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[14 Jul 2007|02:47pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

stick to the plan, rae: don't call him. don't think about him. forget him.
put him in the past. toss the part of your heart that holds him away. of course, lately that seems like you'd be throwing your whole heart out the window. but no, you can do this. it's all you. forget those deep, chocolate eyes. forget that heartstopping smile. drown out that sweet voic that floats through your mind. black out that adorable way his left pant is always rolled up in the back, shaowing his sock and his entire heel pops out of the shoe when he walks. shrug off the feeling of his breath against your neck, and his hands on your waiste. forget him. forget all of that. he you. let him want to remember the way you run your fgingers threw your hair. remember the way you chew on your lip when you're upset or concentrating. rememer the way you always twisted his curls around your fingers. remember te way you always made little noises when you slept, or how your bodies fit perfectly tofether. remember how you always tried your hardest not to cry in front of him, or how you never stopped caring about him. remember the way you both started. remember the way you both ended. remember how you forgot about him. let him walk around with that on his shoulders.

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A Masterpiece [14 Jul 2007|02:41pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I want to write a masterpiece. The want is so strong and fierce, that most would call it a need. I need to put this pen to paper and create something so beautiful, so true that it would bring tears to the eyes of ecen the most heartless of people. I need to write something so angry, so evil that it could turn even the purest of hearts black with rage. I need to express with words the way my body feels, the way my mind races like a rollercoaster, adn how my heart feels void of his love. I need to write a masterpiece, and the only way it seems I can is to write what I know, and how I feel. The only problem is, I don't know if I'm ready for you to read it...

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[14 Jul 2007|02:32pm]
[ mood | moody ]

I move in slow motion
I speak at low levels
stay invisible
smile his way
the response is imminent
your invisible
to him
you feel this clawing
at your bosom
something's wrong
very wrong


hold your breath
close your eyes
breathe quicker
heart pounding
try again
hold it in
give up
give in


i hate being alone
no one wants me
no one cares
without anyone
i am nothing
a loser
a freak
just some stupid girl
who reads
and dreams
of not being

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The Fluke [14 Jul 2007|01:37pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I called him, so I will take the blame for what happened.

It was a Friday ngiht, and I actually had other plans with a girlfriend, but the pull to him was far too great for me to keep fighting. I had to see him, especially since we were on good terms at the moment. I should have turned back when I reached the exit.

I should have, but I didn't.

I entered his house giddy with excitement of the unknown, fear growing in the pit of my stomach. We sat on the couch, him flipping through the channels while I was being mauled by his puppy. We say there, not really speaking, for quite some time, until he finally lured the dog away, and replaced her by placing his head in my lap. Unconcsiously, I began to play with his hair, twisting and turning the curls between my fingers; his eyes slowly closed as he cuddled into my chest and murmured something inaudible. That's when I should have left, and made some excuse after curfew.

I should have, but I didn't.

The next thing I know he's staring up at me, his chocolate eyes soft and inviting -- the same eyes I fell for about eight months ago. I playfuuly stuck my tongue out at him, and his response was to pinch my nose shut. I threatened to hold my breath, when he rolled his eyes and said in the voice that haunts my dreams, "see if I care." So I did; I closed my eyes, held my breath, and tried to think of anything other than the fact that he was right there, touching my face, when... he kissed me. It was short and sweet, and it literally took my breath away. That's when I should have breathed again, to get oxygen to my brain, and left.

I should have, but I didn't.

One kiss led to another; hands explored their surrondings. I wrapped my fingers in his beautiful haird, while my other hand ran across his chest and shoulder, back and forth, back and forth. His hands roamed over my hips, my chest; fire erupted on my skin once his met it. I was in a land of bliss, when the alarm finally rang in my head: curfew. That's when I should have grabbed my things and ran, but I pulled away and let him walk me to the door.

I should have ran...

Oh, how I wish I would have ran.

We reached the door, his hands exploring once more, our lips connected once again. After multiple dances of leaving, only to rush back into his arms, I finally found it in my soul to leave. That's when it happened.

A fluke.

He said, with lust masking his eyes, the pain evident in his voice, "this was just a fluke, right? Okay?"

A mistake.

My heart shatterede as I looked him square in the eyes and replied, "yeah, okay." I now wonder if he could see the pain in my emerald eyes, or if he could detect the waver in my voice. I wish I would have ran, lied, or turned around -- I shouldn't have called him in the first place.

I shouldn't have, but I did.

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[01 May 2007|05:21pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Dear You,

I was never fond of starting letters. The "what's up"'s and "how are you"'s are extremely ridiculous in my opinion; they're useless and most people find them rather boring, honestly.

So, let's start out with the facts. I'm known to be extremely blunt, so pardon if you mind my straight-forwardness. We promenaded on the sea floor about... forty-some hours ago, and your scent and that scene are still wavering through my endless thoughts. Everywhere I look, I see you. It's ridiculus and extremely horrible for my school work. I was disciplined a handful of times today, but angry Algebra-loving Cowboy's and men aging with their work are nothing to the thousands of memories -- if you could call a night worth that -- rushing, spinning, launching theirselves at my sore aching heart. It's absolutely ridiculus.

You. I feel like in one night I won you and last you all at once. Is that even possible? That's what I've been repeatively asking myself since... and the crazy thing is: I trust you. More than I've trusted anyone in a long time, and more than I will ever trust myself. I could give you my heart, and know, deep down, that you'd always take care of it. Even if that meant being worlds apart, or staying platonic in any sense by blocking out the memory of being in your arms. Which is, of course, practically impossible at the moment -- blocking out the memory of your arms around me, that is. I believe you have awaken a heart that has long awaited to feel. Oh, here I go again...

I've lost track of the purpose of this letter. It's purpose is not to allow you an inside peep to my soul, but to tell you this: it's okay. I understand. My heart will ache for you, but I understand that yours may not, will not, ever ache back. I understand that your loyalties to him are far greater than those to I. Just know that I am always here. Sure, I may be there in a year, and even there a few years after that, but somehow, I feel like my heart, or at least a large sum of it will always be with you.

I do love him. He chipped away at the ice covering my heart, and for that mere gesture I will always care deeply for him. Sometimes I find myself wondering the "what if"'s that coincide with him and his selfish chocolate eyes, but deep down I know that it will never be -- for I will never be able to give him everything. I want to. Oh, how I want to; I just can't. I try to throw myself at him, hoping I could get that feeling I get when I'm around you, but nothing but sadness is there in the wake. So, instead, I will love him as a friend that will always hold apart of my past.

This, of course, is nothing to you, I fear, and I apologize if I'm scaring you. I don't mean to. I just feel that I've lost you, in more ways than one. Sure, we'll see each other every once in a while, but will we only exchange "hello"'s? I fear this more than the tallest scyscraper, more than the biggest arachnid, and more than I fear the future...which is ridiculus, since it is the future. I want a future...with you.

With you... I'm willing to give everything. I'm willing to let down all of the barriers. I'll climb mountains, jump rivers... I'd even fight for your love, but only if you absolutely needed it. I want to be with you. All I can ask for is a chance, right? That's all I can allow myself to ask. I can hardly hold myself back from this, whereas inside I'm shaking with the fear that you will read this and laugh. You'll probably be disgusted, or amused -- maybe even a bit scared. Just know that I will never hold anything against you.


I couldn't get more blunt than that.

Now, I'll just inform you of this letter, and anxously await your comment... or your ignorance. Either way, this is off my chest that is wrecking havok throughout my mind, body, and soul with these ridiculus thoughts of the future; two different worlds ahead of me -- one with you, one without.


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[22 Apr 2007|11:11pm]
[ mood | angry ]

It's dark. I'd color this room black, but it's somewhere in between the blackness of nothing and the gray of everything in between now and never. I hear the faint beat of the latest song protruding the tiny headphones lying on my pillow that been beat to death will insomniac punches. There's a humm of the power heater sitting on my floor, trying despretely to block out the icy cold that I permit to linger. I almost feel sorry for the poor machine, so hard it tries. I used to try that hard: at everything. Then, somewhere between the black and gray of my life I stopped. I quit. I gave up. The feeling of pen to paper doesn't seem to ignite my senses as it used to. Music doesn't flow through my veins, causing my head to bob along, and my appendages to twist, twirl, and frolick amongst themselves. I find myself staring lazily at the words in front of my once vibrant green eyes. He called them emerald eyes. At the end he quoted, "emerald eyes, full of lies." That was all my fault. I know it. He knows it. They know it. I sigh, my breathing adding to this symphony of loneliness. Every breath I take brings out the gray, so I push down the urge to inhale, and consume myself into the darkness, the black. It's comforting; I almost smile. There's a movement of shadows from under the door, and I faintly smell the leftovers of the dinner my mother made. I check my watch, it's glowing numbers screaming at me, "He's how many hours late, tonight? Wonder what he was doing..." I quit wondering. I stopped watching my mother dissapointed face, stopped trying to comfort her with lies, and blocked out the sound of her sobs at night. He was never home for dinner anymore. This thought brings out more black, and I can slowly feel it wrapping around my ankles. The cold sensation scares me, and prickly beads of salty liquid blurr the lines between black and gray. Angrily shutting, clamping, locking my lids, covering the faded emeralds of my eyes, I dare myself to cry. Do it, you coward. Do it in this darkness, let the tears flow and allow that sweet serenity of black reach towards your throat and clamp down. That's what you want, isn't it? ...that's what I want...isn't it? What I want is to not have to stare into this mixture of gray and black. I want to be able to sit down and have dinner with my parents -- both of them -- and see the love that I used to see in their eyes. I want to be able to walk up to him and say, "I'm sorry," and watch his blue eyes take me in as his lips sweetly state, "I know." I want to be able to write and love it. I want to listen to music and let go. I want to go back to being me... but how can I do that if I can't remember who I was? The hairs on the back of my neck start to prick and I realize that the darkness has reached my throat and has clamped tight, choking away the rest of my existence. I've got to change this; I've got to scream. I don't. Instead, I lay down, close my 'faded emeralds', and slowly say, "Goodbye."

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[22 Apr 2007|10:59pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Everything I want
I can't have.
Everything I have
I don't want.
Everything I am
I hate.
Everything I hate
I am.
Everyone I love
hates me.
Everyone I hate
loves me.
Every dream I have
is too far away.
Every mile I reach
ten more add to the end.


Why is this happening?
How could I allow it?
Have I been so caught up in myself and all that I do, that I forgot the most important part of my essence, my being?
These tears are prickly, not smooth like the crush'd crush kind.
These tears burn raceways down my cheeks, gravity pulling away at my sorrow. It never eases. It never quits.
I quit.
I always quit.
Where has my will power gone?
Did it vanish with my parents love for each other, or did the wind pick it up in a furry of sadness and self doubt?
I'll never know, will I?

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pyromania love [04 Apr 2007|03:45pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

it's an inner inferno
bursting flames through my bosom
i'm tired of this masquerade
my eyese are growing deeper, deeper

welcome to my lonely ice cabin
come with me; we'll burn this hell
i'm a pyro marienetta
dancing dreams through the reality of heat and flame
passion is roaring, screaming
open up your ice cap organ
flicker, fight this overwhelming sensation
your heart begins to beat
my ballet feet begin to twirl
you're falling, falling for me
welcome to my shakespearean opera
is your inner inferno changing you, making you

the palace of this flames' ballet
scorns you, burns you,
rips away at your soul
are you still willing?
do you still want me?
is this all you ever wanted?

i'm being myself
an ember of combusting lust
wrapping you around my finger
licking at your dry lips
making you want to scorch your throat
just to take me all in

i'm your pyro marienetta
use me as you must
my masquerade is lifted
turning us to dust

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poisonous lily [04 Apr 2007|03:32pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]

poisonous lily
waver upon thy breast
lock away the selfish heart
pour along a daisy renegade
vigilante baby's breath
smother out the roses bud
poisonous lily
waver upon thy breast
oh, poisonous lily
'tis time to rest

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[03 Apr 2007|06:57pm]
[ mood | determined ]

How many times does it have to happen for you to realize the truth in the heartache?
Too many.
How many times do you have to cry tears of unwanted sorrow?
Too many.
How many times do you ask yourself, “Why me? Why is this happening again?”
Too many.
How many times will you realize the truth in it all?
Too many.
How many times will you let it happen again?
Too many.
How many times do you start fighting back?
Just once.

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what no one dares to day, what no one dares to admit...i'll admit it. [03 Apr 2007|06:55pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

The only light around me is sparkling from the stars, and still, very few litter the sky. The only other thing besides my naked body and the stars is the nothingness of the wind. Sure, it lightly breathes against my skin every now and then, but the dead silence without it is hell. My eyes, soft emeralds they are, adjust to the never-ending darkness, and minutes later, I see him.
He pops up out of nowhere, leaving me breathless and full of fear. His eyes, bluer than the ocean, scan my body, and the wind begins to pick up again. This time, though, it’s rough and edged, like broken glass, cutting through every inch of my heart. He brushes his raven hair back, and begins to smirk. Oh, if only you could have felt the sensations that rushed through me like the ocean. A fire sparked in my heart, and he began to slowly step towards me. A body fit for a Greek god begins to sprout from behind the darkness, his oceanic eyes never leaving mine. The closer he gets, the more furious the wind beats against me; when he’s only a foot away it suddenly stops. Our eyes bear into each other – emerald on topaz, topaz on emerald – with the hesitation of first times. Then, his velvety smooth, yet rough callused hand touched my frozen cheek…
…and the wind roared to life around us, causing a fire of ecstasy to envelope the darkness. Lips meet, while hands, legs, and arms entangle themselves together. I feel heavenly; full of sin and lust, I allow him to take me. In an ectastic rush of blood, passion, and love our bodies become one; our fire roars as it beats its way from hell, and the wind fight angrily against it, against us. Suddenly, it’s over. The wind diminished the flames; the sapphire ocean sails away from the emerald fields…
…and I am left with nothing but the pain and memory of a forgotten dream.

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all the stars and boulevards [03 Apr 2007|06:54pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Augustana is one of my favorite bands. Their music is so tender and rough, sweet and sour, right and wrong; it’s as if they took the melodies and thoughts from my subconscious and created an album. “All the stars and boulevards ain’t close enough for you now.” How beautiful is that? True, it may not be the picturesque of what you see as beauty, but to me… well to me that entire song screams of true beauty. I hope to one day make music as beautiful as that.
Then there’s “Boston.” The lyrics and rhythm of this song come deep from within my soul. “Oh dear you look so lost; eyes are red and tears are shed…the world you must have crossed.” Dan Layns is singing to me, about me. I can feel it in his voice. I’m the girl who thinks of going to Boston to start a new life, where no one knows my name, because I’m just so tired… I need to leave this all behind.
“If only, if only…”
Oh Augustana, your words are creeping at my feet, I fear, the sunrise will come too soon and you’ll disappear…

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[03 Apr 2007|06:54pm]
he sits here beside me
i can literally feel his heart beat
can he feel mine?
oh, my hopes are against it
for if he could
he would surely know
the truth.
what now?
we lay beside each other
i'm longing for his touch, his kiss
his smile, his voice
it all creates a meltdown to my heart
i want more, i need it
i'm becoming too selfish
for these innocent "get togethers"
i dream of being his
his one and only
but he turns around
his chocolate eyes questioning
i just smile and playfully
nudge him
for now it's the best
i can get
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a dream [03 Apr 2007|06:49pm]
[ mood | amused ]

he sits here beside me
i can literally feel his heart beat
can he feel mine?
oh, my hopes are against it
for if he could
he would surely know
the truth.
what now?
we lay beside each other
i'm longing for his touch, his kiss
his smile, his voice
it all creates a meltdown to my heart
i want more, i need it
i'm becoming too selfish
for these innocent "get togethers"
i dream of being his
his one and only
but he turns around
his chocolate eyes questioning
i just smile and playfully
nudge him
for now it's the best
i can get

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a jumple of scribbles [03 Apr 2007|06:36pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Why are you acting like this?
Why do you have to act like this?
What have I done?
why is it always my fault?
What is becoming of us?
Was there ever an us?
Why won't you ever just let me all the way in?


Oh, how the loneliness burns away at my soul, sucking, stealing every inch of my being. I allow you to do this to me; why? We'll never really know... We only know the present..the past...
Never the future.


She's crying, crying tears the color of darkness wash down her face. Emerald eyes drown in sadness as her heart breaks, hands shake...
It's over.


Consumed by darkness
The man began to feed
A monster had become him
Never again will he be freed...


After a while, the tears begin to fade.
After a while, the pain starts to lessen.
After a while, the truth begins to sink in.
After a while, you get used to it.
After a while, you shut the doors...
...and no one will ever try to open them...


Ask me
how I
I'll tell
I feel
all of
take over
my hands
as if
I'd been
out in
I guess
been waiting


Dashboard Confessionals:
apologies sang to the steering wheel as the wind sharpens my loose hair, cutting away at my tear-stained cheeks, while shoulders are bare with disbelief. The pulse fro mthe stereo races around me, massaging my broken heart with wicked fast beats, and tunes as sweet as a freshly picked apple on a spring day.


blue eyes shine love
green eyes shing hope
together they embrace
for the hope of love
on uncharted territory
innocent brushes of
porcelain skin
thoughts of "what if"'s pague
clouding fate
one step, two step
they collide

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find me [03 Apr 2007|06:22pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I want to find myself.
Find me.
Sure, maybe every other sixteen year old girl out there is saying the same thing...
but do they really mean it?
Do I really mean it?
I'm tired of masquerading...
I may be a cheerleader, but I love rock music, and the color black.
I may have many friends -- you call it popularity, I call it hypocrisy -- but how many of them are true?
I may smile, but on the inside I'm frowning deeper than the Grand Canyon.
How do I cahnge my mask?
How do I fing the right one -- the perfect mathc?
I feel like I'm searching through every dark corner, trying to to find the answer.
Do you have it? Do he have it?
What about her?
Hell, why should I trust any of you? Trusting ends up in let downs. Broken hearts.
Frozen hearts.
I can't ponder up anything worse than allowing my heart to harden, to freeze. I wish I could go back to my old, naive days of believing everything was fine. That I was fine.
What happened?
Maybe it was a certain spiky-haired best friend who used my heart for game. Maybe it was putting everything on two people who let me down for popularity and boys with the wrong intentions. Mayhbe it was the slow and painful death of my parent's love for each other. Maybe it was the boy with pretty glaciers for ices who brought out the falseness of "true love", or maybe it's even the boy who blazes with jealousy and anger whom I find myself settling with.
Maybe it's all of these, glued together by the beartbreak...
Maybe it's the fact that I allowed it all to happen...
Maybe it's both.
So now I'm asking you, whoever you are, to find me -- this lost, confused, heartache of a girl -- out of this mess of life. And if you find me, please take care of my and put me back on the road of truth,
the road of love,
the road of life.

Thank you.

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[03 Apr 2007|06:19pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Too many emotions to handle; my head, my heart -- both outstanding in their neverending battle for the truth. Is it so wrong to want the truth? Yes, it may hurt me, but as least this knawing in my stomach would finite. True, it may hurt worse, but at least I'll be able to stop wondering. ALl I need to survive anymore is the truth. I could even live without his kisses... as long as I have the truth. The truth is all I have left now -- but I don't want it, anymore.

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[03 Apr 2007|06:15pm]
[ mood | blah ]

the stars are the only thing left that I permit to lie to me. Asthey soar over the horizon into nothing but wasted dreams, I let you kiss away my fears for less. You don't lie; you don't cheat. You gaze upon my cheek your hand of undeciding truth. You're the only thing left in my life, seeing as the stars die as soon as our sweet, yet sour lips meet. You're the truth in my lying stars aftermath.

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end to beginning [03 Apr 2007|06:13pm]
[ mood | blah ]

the games that play us
'round and 'round
break hearts
flow tears
ruin lives

the chords of the rain
fall and fall
drown silence
wash heartache
come clean
begin again.

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Past before Present [03 Apr 2007|05:50pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Here are some scribbles from the past year: 2006.
(at least what I could find)
Then, everything after this post will be from 2007 to today.

Sleep sounds so good.
Just close my eyes.
Fall into a raging sea of darkness.
Let the time fly by.
Swim against the rainbow called dream.
Slip away from reality.
Sleep sounds so good.


Beat with the tempo.
Bob your head.
Let the music flow freely.
Note after note,
step after step.
Just dance.


The room was clouded in darkness, yet teh young couple found warmth in each other. Best friends cuddled under thir falsehoods of utopia, words of sweet nothings dancing through their breaths. After a short time, the young girl fell into a dreamland, allowing the blue-eyed boy to whisper a crisp, "I love you."


I want to scream out my frustration
dance away my fears
sing my melodies of heartbreak
and push you away through my tears

I want to find someone to love me
a boy with blue eyes
someone with a heart of gold
sarcasm without lies

I want to pursue a future of love
write down all of my dreams
put myself back together
sew my heart back at the seams

this is what i want
don't try to take it away
back up
let go
it's me

don't ask questions
this is what i want


She tried to forget her past of broken hearts. She tried to start over at this new place -- and just when she thought it would never work out -- there he stood -- blue eyes beneath a black hood of hair as dark as the night sky. He said, "Hello." She smiled back. Introductions were made, and they talked all night...
about love
about pain
and just when she thought he couldn't be any more perfect
he vanished
She woke up
and at her door, there he stood.


His voice sounded about as sweet as a songbird's lullaby.
His hands were as rough as the hardest grain of sand paper.
His words were like those that you would hear off a Shakespearean play, so soft, sweet, and poetic.


I fell in love today.
Fell so hard my body shook uncontrobly, and the butterflies that reside in my tummy flew and danced through my veins. Our eyes connected, blue on green, and I felt his pain, felt his heartache.
Heartache that I created.
Created by lying.


I miss the way the pen feels between my fingers. Cool, hard, and collected, it fits perfectly. Once the tip makes contact with the parchment, my soul takes over, waltzing the instrument along, leaving words, thoughts, and ideas in its past.
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